Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is something I have always struggled with. I am ashamed to admit this, but I am one to hold a grudge for a very long time. People who deeply hurt me are usually cut from my life forever. In general, I have a one-strike policy. I know this is a tough standard to live by and even tougher standard for other people to live by, but it is how I cut the “fat” from my life. To sort the good from the bad.
I am currently in a situation where someone who has hurt and betrayed me in the past has re-entered my life. I’m very apprehensive to re-establish this relationship because my heart still carries the scars of the past wrongdoings. I am really struggling as to whether or not to give this person a second chance. I know the right thing to do is to forgive, but as a flawed human being…it’s just not that easy.
As I am getting older, I am learning that life is too short to hold grudges and I should just forgive and move on, but does anyone know the secret formula to make that happen easily…because I don’t.
Forgiveness is something I have always struggled with. I am ashamed to admit this, but I am one to hold a grudge for a very long time. People who deeply hurt me are usually cut from my life forever. In general, I have a one-strike policy. I know this is a tough standard to live by and even tougher standard for other people to live by, but it is how I cut the “fat” from my life. To sort the good from the bad.
I am currently in a situation where someone who has hurt and betrayed me in the past has re-entered my life. I’m very apprehensive to re-establish this relationship because my heart still carries the scars of the past wrongdoings. I am really struggling as to whether or not to give this person a second chance. I know the right thing to do is to forgive, but as a flawed human being…it’s just not that easy.
As I am getting older, I am learning that life is too short to hold grudges and I should just forgive and move on, but does anyone know the secret formula to make that happen easily…because I don’t.
posted by Potts @ 4:19 PM
4 Comments:
That is such a hard one, and I don't have the answers but I can tell you what I have tried to do at times. In some ways you can look at it to serve your interests verses forgiving them for their benefit. What I mean is letting go of the anger and hurt so that you no longer carry that within your heart. I have learned that I don't have to carry those feelings inside me, that I can not be happy with the actions that took place but I will not allow those feelings to live in me. I also believe we have the right to "trim the fat from our lives" like you said. I don't know where it states we have to allow others to treat us like shit. The difference is we don't have to treat others that way. But if a relationship is unhealthy or harmful in anyway, why would we need to continue it. It is ok to part ways when you are making your life better. As for forgiveness, it seems you have already taken the first step. I think even considering it shows an interest in moving toward that direction. You can forgive the person and not the action. I have learned that much, it is hard to seperate but it is true. I also believe that where we are on our journey plays a huge part in the timing of forgiveness. If this person has come into your life again, you may want to think evaluate what that reintroduction will do, what does it change, what will be better, what could be hard. Is it something you have wanted to heal. And then know it is all at your pace, forgiveness doesn't have to be in one big chunk, it can happen slowly over a long period of time as the trust is earned back by daily examples of loyalty and friendship. In the end I beleive it has to feel right to you. You are the only one who knows what is best for your life and who fits into that. I wish you all the best. I am sorry to blab on and on, I guess I understand what you are going through. My college roommate was my best friend, in our wedding etc. and we don't even speak anymore and I don't know why. Time keeps passing and I don't seem to have the courage to patch it up. I think about it a lot, more as the years pass and wonder why it is we couldn't put it all behind us and move on. But it is all in the timing...as long as I don't let the time run out.
Good luck to you! I wish you the outcome you desire in your heart.
You certainly didn’t “blab on” Alli. I really appreciate your insight into this matter, as I’m totally struggling with this current situation. I think what you said about letting go of the anger and hurt so I no longer have to carry it inside me is so true. I think if I focus on that it will really help. I also think what you said about how forgiveness doesn’t have to happen in one big chunk, that it can happen slowly over time is something that I should keep in mind. I feel like this person reappeared in my life and was looking to be instafriends, when I’m not ready for that yet. Maybe if I just take things slowly, the wound will gradually heal itself. I shouldn’t be expected to automatically forgive all at once just because this person happened to reappear in my life. I also think I need to work on the forgiving the person and not the action concept. I have a really hard time separating the two.
Alli, I truly appreciate you taking the time to provide your thoughts on this subject. Thank you.
P.S.- You should call you old best friend and try to patch things up…no matter how long it’s been. The person I am speaking of wasn’t even close to being my best friend. Daniele and I have gone months without speaking to each other because we were so mad, but we’re best friends, so eventually one of us calls the other to work things out. Best friends don’t come around all that often. It’s worth swallowing your pride/fear or whatever else it is that is holding you back. My dad always says that I should look at the worst-case scenario in every situation. So what the worst-case scenario in this one? That she hangs up on you and tells you to screw off? At least you would know that you tried. There is nothing worse than not trying at all, right?
Thank you so much! I really needed to hear that. I need that push to take action in times that I am afraid of the reaction of others. I need to learn I can't controll it and all I can controll is me. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I have loved your blog and the relationship it has opened with us!
I am glad I could be of assistance! I really do hope that you call her because as I’m sure you already know… people/love/relationships is what life's all about. It's nothing without it. Sometimes establishing/maintaining/re-establishing those relationships can be hard, scary and risky, but I have always found those to be the ones I cherish most. They are usually the most meaningful.
“I have loved your blog and the relationship it has opened with us!”
That one sentence has made all the time, effort and heart I have put into this blog SOOOOOOOO worth it.
Thank you Alli.
Post a Comment
<< Home